How to Say What You Want in the Age of Political Correctness

Being crass requires some thought.

Image copyrighted by The New Yorker. Photograph by Zach Gibson. Getty Images.

In a show of solidarity, the newly elected women of congress showed Donald Trump what they were made of during the 2019 State of the Union Address. Earlier this February, Nancy Pelosi clapped back at Donald Trump. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dared to not be spirited and warm. And the onslaught of insults towards these women ensued.

Richardson, TX City Council Member Scott Dunn allegedly responds to AOC’s tweet above by calling her a bimbo. Since then, he has deleted his account and apologized for his tweet. Image taken from wokesloth.com

A Political Science major in college once said, “You can say whatever the fuck you want; you just need to say it the right way.” I didn’t agree with him. If you’re about to say something horrible, you shouldn’t say it. For so long, I shied away from political conversations because hearing insensitive comments from others can be really shocking to the point of mistrust. I didn’t want to find out that people I liked couldn’t actually be trusted as people I could confide in.

I was ultimately afraid of how people, namely men and White men, would communicate their views about women and racial minorities. Their anger and lack of concern ultimately made me scared. Depending on the environment and the situation, I wasn’t comfortable to use my voice. I was listening to them, but it wasn’t a conversation, it wasn’t even a debate. It was a demand that, as a minority woman, I blindly put up with the anger, resentment, and entitlement.

But I also knew that not every individual man or White person was angry, resentful, or entitled simply for having a different viewpoint. I can remember few times when I felt I was comfortable enough to be vulnerable and share my thoughts, because the other person expressed their viewpoint in a way that allowed a discussion to happen. And I even walked away learning something from them.

To be fair, if there is someone who is set on misunderstanding me, they’re not open to conversation, and that’s not someone I find worthy having a conversation with. I pick and choose my battles. And for the record, actual people’s lives are at stake when it comes to politics. The personal is political, and it’s not called “political correctness”, it’s called being a decent human being who follows the platinum rule: treat people how they tell you they want to be treated. Don’t say the “N” word and use the person’s preferred pronouns. But if we don’t have these gentle conversations and direct all our hurt and pain into bigger forms of protest, then what are we working towards? In order for actual change to happen, a conversation with dissenting viewpoints needs to be had.

I’m not saying that we all have to sing “Kumbaya My Lord”, hold hands, dance around in a circle amidst a field of sunflowers and speak in existential language. If that’s not your style, then it’s insincere. A cut-the-crap, straightforward, and blunt communication style has accomplished much, and it’s certainly worked for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The point of these conversations are to share knowledge and understanding amongst those of us who have valid reasons to not be out in the streets and be vulnerable to harsh ridicule. If you strongly believe that you’re dissenting or unpopular opinion has value, and you want your voice to be heard, then you can still express it. You don’t have to compromise all of who you are. On the other hand, if you’re a progressive and want to use your privilege to have conversations with moderates and conservatives, I admire you for taking on the challenge and opening yourself up to dark conversations.

If you’re willing to reach across the aisle, then we’re going to need to be vulnerable in several ways:

1. ) Find the silver lining of truth in what the other person is saying: This is the most challenging thing to do, especially if you definitely do not agree with anything the other person is saying, and you find it unfair or untrue.
2. ) Summarize what they’re saying to show that you heard them: try to use the exact words they use, in the exact mindset they had, even if their mindset is different from yours. This drives the point home that you care deeply about what they believe and that you’re not resisting their resistance. Avoid the sarcastic tone.
3. ) Validate that they may feel frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, attacked, or targeted.
4. ) State how you feel and what you believe. You’re allowed to be assertive and you don’t have to entirely give in to what the other person is saying. Also, use actual feeling words (sad, hurt, disappointed, defeated, etc).
5. ) Check in. This shows that you actually genuinely care about how the other person is feeling. The reason why they’re so passionate about their political perspective is that it personally relates to them. Ask, “Where do you stand on this?”, or “Am I understanding you correctly?”.
6. ) Point out what you like or admire about their perspective. Check your ego at the door.

If you tried all 6 of these methods, and it didn’t accomplish a peaceful conversation, then you and the other person did the following:

1. ) Said “I’m sorry you think that way” or even “I’m sorry” too much when trying to empathize with the other person. Don’t even say you’re sorry, because you clearly don’t mean it. You come off as condescending and disingenuous. It can pass off as being dismissive of further conversation of the other person’s viewpoint. No one’s going to want to have a conversation with you at that point.
2. You became defensive and you’re not willing to admit it. Ego and your sarcastic tone prevented a peaceful dialogue. You did this when trying to summarize what the other person is saying. For example, you probably said “So you’re saying that after I pay this much in taxes every year, you deserve a handout for your healthcare and to suck on the government teat?” instead of saying, “So you’re saying that, as someone who is struggling to get by, you deserve to have your basic needs covered because a country owes that to its people”. Or you probably said, “So you’re saying that you deserve to make this much more than me in salary even though we work the same job because you’re a misogynistic asshole who feels emasculated when women receive equal pay?”. Don’t use summarizing to attack the other person. That’s going to put them on guard.
3. You used “I feel” statements with a “you” and probably didn’t even use a feeling word. For instance, you probably said something along the lines of, “ I feel that you’re being really selfish right now.” First of all, I just checked the feelings chart, and “You’re Being Really Selfish Right Now” is not a feeling word. You could say, “ I feel that I’m being dismissed right now”, or “I feel a little worthless right now because your political perspective on equal rights does not include people like me”.
4. You were set on misunderstanding the other person and making them out for the “idiot” they are because of stereotypes held about their political party. You were out to prove a point that Republicans are really “deplorable”, or that Democrats and Progressives are “Libtards”. Be honest, you were not open to really hearing the other person. Did you really empathize with that person?

You’re not going to get through to everyone. If you find that you’re engaging in a debate with someone who is set on being defensive, or worse, is set on low-blows and jabs at you, then that person clearly isn’t looking to genuinely listen to what you say, but rather get a ride out of you. Basically, they’re looking to prove a point that people or your political party are too angry/dumb/triggered/snowflake-like. That person is not worth your time and your emotions. Like I said, there’s no point in conversing with someone who is set on misunderstanding you.

Sometimes you can’t choose who you have these battles with. If you happen to be having these discussions with close family members or loved ones, you can listen to Dr. David Burns’ Feeling Good Podcast, Episode 127: Communicating With the Opposite Side of the Political Divide, to learn more about how to regain connection with loved ones after heated debates. Dr. Burns’ podcast was inspiration for this article.

I don’t think these conversations alone can bring about structural change and equity and we need to continue to be resilient in our protests, demonstrations, and voting. Maybe I have too much faith in the human species. It’s possible this all sounds really contrived and elementary. Not to mention that I think arguing can be really fun, especially if it means making the other person feel stupid. I believe that people are inherently good and have some intelligence to offer the world. It’s time that we start evaluating our priorities when we engage in the political battlefield.

Tracy Vadakumchery, MHC-LP is a Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapist (TEAM-CBT) at Feeling Good Psychotherapy of New York. She graduated with an M.A. and Ed.M. in Psychological Counseling from Teachers College, Columbia University. She has a background in evidenced-based family therapy. Follow Tracy on Instagram at @tracymhc, Twitter @tracy_mhc, or at tracymhc.com.